2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
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*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone