Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.