“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.