If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The happy life.. 😊
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”