In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.