It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You Might Also Like
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Every time my phone rings
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.