Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”