SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
More like Kate Missington.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google