There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Saturday
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Social distancing in Australia:
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
iPhone X
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.