“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first