You Might Also Like
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]