Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled