A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?