cause of death:
autopsy.
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
cry laughing at this shit
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
#SuperBowl
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*