Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.