I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
just witnessed a drug deal
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*