The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect