Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
plums roundup
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast