Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.