It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
You Might Also Like
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear