I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Holy crap this is wonderful
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real