I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Please do it!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.