Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
who wants to go expliring
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.