Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
All generalizations are stupid.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.