A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
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I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking