The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Finally, a door that understands me
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.