*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
You Might Also Like
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.