[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
fired
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry