every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
You Might Also Like
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.