[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
You Might Also Like
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me, flirting😏