I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I support this random dude and all his protests
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident