I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
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Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
True freaking story!
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey