my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
#Caturday
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.