“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….