I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!