I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.