I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub