They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
From my Mom
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.