#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander