When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away