America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
But that’s none of my business