“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE