*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
And bowling should be called pinball
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
WHY would you be happy about this?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]