This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
BaD BoY!!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Saw your ex at the shops
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy