Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My Sentiments Exactly
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
This kid will have a bright future.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America