OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.