“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
#NeverForget
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we鈥檙e driving around right now. who鈥檚 with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
馃拃馃拃馃ぃ Why are we like this?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き