I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
u spoke cat all this time??????
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.