flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again