If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
three things we don’t talk about
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people